Why are we so darned insistent on solving conflict through wars and by beating people with sticks? An easier solution is my latest epiphany: Give everyone the chance to kill one person every year – and be killed in return! Give a warm welcome to Global Death Day!
Here’s how Global Death Day works: Every year, all inhabitants of this lil’ planet earth will get together, and everyone will submit the name of one person you’d like killed.
You can choose anyone, anywhere in the world. If your name is picked, you can choose death via gas chamber, firing squad, or endless viewing of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” You pick your poison. Literally.
At first glance, this may sound a tad barbaric. If the goal is to end all wars, why in tarnation would I give people free reign to kill?
Because fear of death is a heckuva deterrent. Just ask anyone who’s been killed lately. It really sucks.
For Global Death Day to work, we would need worldwide participation. If you knock off a world leader, then someone has to be able to knock off your leader. Or you. It’s the grim reaper’s quid pro quo, and no one is exempt.
I also added one little caveat. At the end of the day, we all get a chance to cancel our death picks. If we don’t like how things are playing out, no one dies.
Global Death Day Enacted
I rolled out Global Death Day at the United Nations, and every warring nation was delighted to have the chance to kill each other.
For months, countries schemed who they should kill and why. They drew up elaborate maps of what they referred to as the “Domino Death March.” They plotted countless if-then scenarios, working round the clock for a day of widespread dying.
Finally, Global Death Day rolled around. Because we love our high stakes events, people held Global Death Day parties, and placed bets on who would get offed. FOX televised the event, declaring that, just this once, they would allow a little sensationalism on their network.
We set up a lottery pick to see who would go first, and the lucky winners couldn’t wait to get started exterminating. But then a funny thing happened on the way to the morgue.
When it came time to kill, the lottery winners blinked. No one would pull the proverbial trigger, knowing that as soon as they did, their own throats would be slit. At long last, worldwide peace was here.
Unfortunately, peace proved to be too much of a burden on our economy. Our defense industry stagnated, and our gun industry crumbled. As a result, Global Death Day was declared null and void. We went back to wars and murder, and wouldn’t you know, the stock market spiked.
In the end, we couldn’t achieve world peace, but we took comfort in knowing our portfolios were kicking tail. Thou shalt not squander thy retirement nest egg, right?