News that Republicans were suing the Federal Government over Obamacare has spurred an all-too-logical epiphany. It’s time for our country’s two political parties to end their contentious 200+ year relationship and file for divorce.
I won’t delve into the details of the latest spat between the elephants and the donkeys. Nor can anyone else, for that matter. Our elected officials do their darndest to ensure that legislative matters become too complicated or too secretive for us to understand.
Without the proper perspective, we’re like little kids listening to mom and dad fighting. It leads to election day votes based on emotion, popularity, or whichever guy (gal) doesn’t make an ass of himself in the debates.
As a result, we, the nation’s children, are simply not qualified to pick which parent should run the country. A vexing problem, but nothing one star-spangled epiphany couldn’t solve. Like a true founding father, I found us a kick-butt solution:
The political parties should file for divorce, and split the country down the middle.
The Republicans would get the east coast, the Dems the West. They would also get joint-custody of the country’s citizenry. We’d spend weekdays on the East coast, weekends on the West.
No one wants to see divorce divide our country, but I just don’t see any other alternative. We could ask legislators to compromise and act like adults, but we’ve already tried that. At least I think we have. Maybe once?
My epiphany established, I boarded a plane and headed to Washington. It was time to put an end to over two hundred years of bad marriage.
Why They Eagerly Accepted
Thanks to my tremendous political connections, I arranged a meeting with leaders of the respective (if not respected) political parties.
“It’s over for you two,” I told them. “One of you needs to pack your bags and get out.”
“A divorce?” the country’s lead Republican asked. “But that could get pretty messy.”
The lead Democrat nodded. “We’d have to figure out who gets the White House, and who has to move an apartment on the other side of town.”
“Which party would pay for child support?” the Republicans snarled. “I suppose you’d want to raise taxes to cover that?”
“And you’d only give support to the people who really didn’t need it,” the Democrats fired back.
Suddenly, there was a stunned silence in the room. Democrats and Republicans looked at each, and revelatory smiles crossed their faces. I felt a sudden pang of fear.
“What’s wrong?” I cried. “Why are you both smiling?”
“Because you’ve given us a big complicated mess,” the Republican answered.
“We’ll be squabbling about the particulars of this divorce for years,” the Democrat chimed in.
The next day, the Republicans and Democrats announced that they would be filing for divorce, and that the process would be long, contentious, and last many election cycles.
I want to apologize for opening my big mouth on this one, folks. I guess I should have known the one thing the two parties would agree upon was the need to continue disagreeing. Until they straighten this mess out, I’ll be in my room.