Eliminate Politicians and Sell Your Vote Direct

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It’s time we stop whining about money in politics and instead, embrace it.  I’ve reformed the entire political system by eliminating the middleman – the politicians – and selling my vote directly to the big corporations.

Some may scoff at this decision, as if I’m giving in or selling out.  The truth is, I’m just being realistic.  Why should Sen. Schmuck ride the gravy train while we’re getting screwed?  I’d prefer to ride the gravy train while I screw myself, thank you very much.  This was accomplished with my latest, human-event-altering epiphany.

The process was amazingly simple.  I put a little ad on LinkedIn saying, “One Vote for Sale in Wisconsin – CHEAP.”  Immediately, I received a call from a large, multinational corporation.  I will not name names, but only say that it rhymes with Hall-Dart.

“Your vote,” they said.  “How much for it?”

“Two grand,” I replied.

“Sold.”

Within an hour, a paper bag filled with two grand in cash was left at my front door.

Wal-, er, Hall-Dart seemed pretty eager to dole out the paper bag-o-cash. I wondered how they’d react if I had an even bigger cluster of votes to sell.

I made a few calls, and within two days, I had 250,000 people interested in selling their vote.  Everyone gathered in my living room, and I outlined my epiphany while my wife served punch.

In essence, we, the sell-out voters, would take straight cash donations from whoever wanted to pay us.  In return, we’d either pester the crap out of the Congress-person to vote the way we wanted it, or we’d un-elect the sons-a-bitches the next election.

To be true to the system, we couldn’t base any of our decisions on morals or personal values.  The votes just went to the highest bidders.

All were in agreement.  United, we sellout.

Cashing in With Friends

Word got out to the corporate heads, and paper bags of cash started piling up on my front porch. Within weeks, we had recruited 5 million of Wisconsin’s 5.726 million selling their votes direct.  .726 tried to stick with the current system, blathering about “integrity,” “ethics,” and that kinda mumbo-jumbo.  We wished them luck.

Now under this sell-out system, you’d expect the corporations to gut the environment, destroy the regulatory system, and bring our economy to its knees.  But here’s what happened instead.

Instead of heaping cash on and taking care of a few select politicians, corporations had to keep the voting electorate alive and healthy.  They paid good money for our votes, so they needed us to keep the gravy train chugging along for everyone.

So the big corps cleaned up the environment.  Reformed the schools.  Got the financial system back in order.  They did everything they could to keep us happy.

In the end, we garnered some serious cash and enjoyed a wonderful, enhanced state of living.

My advice to you?  Don’t waste time kvetching about the political system.  Join us instead.  All it takes is a little yard sign:  “Vote For Sale – Cheap.”  You can expect a paper bag within an hour.

Photo by Chris Potter

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