Finding the One Guy Who Owns Everything

Finding_The_One_Guy_Who_Owns_Everything_Blog

Every company on the earth is owned by some larger company, which in turn, is owned by an even larger company. But who owns all of that? One guy, I say. One guy owns everything, and I was determined to find him.

How can one guy own everything? I’ll break it down. This fine country has many small businesses, with “owners” who think they own the business. In truth, they answer to the bank (who lends them money) and the government (who taxes them as much as possible).

Everything runs on cash, and since our government is entirely for sale, it’s logical that true “ownership” stems from whoever ultimately controls all the dough. So behind all the banks, the government, and perhaps even a fair share of organized crime, I believe one guy ultimately pulls all the strings.

An organizational chart has to end somewhere, right? And if you put together a massive organizational chart for the entire world, it’s only logical that it reaches a peak.

(By the way, if you’re a female woman, by this point you’re steaming and wondering why it’s not one gal, instead of one guy. Sorry ladies, but when you’re talking about this kind of power, the glass ceiling is very much still in place.)

The only way to prove my one guy theory is to track him down. Thanks to our dear friend Google, I was able to pull down organizational charts for every organization organized enough to organize an organizational chart.

Next, I headed over to a drive-in movie theater. I began tacking up organizational charts all over the screen, and then connecting all the companies, bosses, and employees.

After two weeks of this, I was at a dead end. I had indeed managed to link all the companies in the world to one source, but that’s where the trail went cold. No org chart revealed the one guy’s identity.

It occurred to me that a man of this stature prefers to remain hidden. He wants stay behind the scenes and call the shots. But there was one way to get to him.

I called one of the companies on my mega-organizational chart, and asked the first customer service rep, “Can I speak to your supervisor?”

The Ultimate Customer Service Call

The front-line worker was happy to pass me up the chain. At the next person, I asked the same question, and was passed on again. This went on for nearly six months, until I reached the very top of the chart.  I was passed to a man named Robert Puck, and when I asked if I could speak with his supervisor, he responded: “I have no supervisor.”

I gasped. “So are you the one guy who owns everything?”

“Why, yes!” Robert Puck seemed surprised that I’d unearthed the fact. “Actually, there used to be three guys, but I bought the other two out.”

“If you’re the one guy who owns everything, why did you take this call? Don’t you have minions?”

“Oh, this is part of my new customer service initiative. I’m trying to understand what the customer needs. So what would you like?”

“In regards to what?”

“In regards to anything, boy. I own it all.”

“I – I…” my heart raced at the immense opportunity suddenly before me. Through dumb luck and one heck of an organizational chart, I’ve ascended to very peak of power in the known universe. And I’d found a man who not only had the power to transform the world as we know it, but also the willingness to act, thanks to this very accommodating customer service policy.

You don’t run into this kind of thing every day, and my mind ticked off critical issues that desperately needed addressing; the myriad of political, financial and human rights issues that could be changed by a man of Robert Puck’s power.

With the phone call, I alone could set in motion a complete altering of the course of human events, through the benevolent power of the world’s most influential person.

So what happened?

I panicked. My mind drew a complete blank. My heart beat like an arena full of heavy metal drummers. Finally, I blurted out the only thing that came to my head.

“I’d like a better return policy on tennis shoes.”

“Done!” he cried triumphantly. “Thanks for calling. And I hope you have a nice day.”

Two days later, retailers across the globe revamped their return policy for tennis shoes. While I was able to bring back a pair of tennies that don’t fit me very well in the arch, sometimes I regret not asking for more from the one guy who owns everything.

I’ve thought about trying to call him back, but with so many customers to answer to, I’m sure I’d be on hold for hours before I’d get to talk to him again. Besides, I guess I ultimately achieved my goal. I’ve proven there is one guy who owns everything, and fortunately for all of us, he’s plenty generous about tennis shoes.

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Comments

  1. Thanks, I have some tennis shoes I have never liked. If customer service gives me any trouble, I will just mention your name.

    • Greg Mischio says:

      Absolutely. And if they can’t help you, we’ll go straight to the top and talk to you-know-who!

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