I wrote this epiphany from my car. I had been sitting in a traffic jam for two and a half weeks, making infinitesimal progress every 1.5 days. The solution? Creating the world’s first construction-free highway.
There’s something fishy about highway construction, isn’t there? Despite almost daily advancements in technology, we’ve yet to develop a solution for the pothole. Even worse, our highway construction crews seem beholden to the long-standing 7:1 supervisor-to-worker-ratio.
The result? Traffic logjams like the one I found myself in.
I had been mired in the multi-lane logjam for nearly two weeks. Rations were running thin; I consumed all the errant backseat crumbs spilled by my kids from meals past, as well as the half-filled water bottles that lined the doorway holders.
To stop thinking about my impending starvation, I trained my epiphanal powers on the solving the never-ending construction dilemma.
This wouldn’t be easy. Someone, somewhere, was making some serious bucks off the never-ending highway construction. As long as you are making money in America, the political system is at your beck and call to ensure it stays that way.
In other words, I didn’t have a chance of upending a bureaucracy hellbent on the same-old, same-old highway construction model.
I would have to begin anew. And as the jam stretched to week 3, I figured out just how to do it.
The Six-Inch Construction Free Span
Have you ever noticed how averse people are to traffic jams? People will travel an hour out of their way just so they can step on the accelerator and avoid stop-and-go traffic. People hate traffic jams, and construction is the root cause of it all.
I thus decided I would ensure the world’s first construction-free, traffic jam-less highway. I made a few calls to my friends at the state, and asked if I could take the Adopt-a-Highway program one step further.
“I’d like to Buy-a-Highway,” I said.
They quoted me an astronomically mind-blowing price. Unfortunately, with my meager salary from my paper-route, I could only purchase a six-inch span. Six inches has proven satisfactory to many people in other arenas, so I decided it would work here as well.
Now that I had my new span of highway, I had to ensure it would never break. I called up a few guys in my neighborhood — the dudes who are always at the ready to help you out with a home improvement project so they can spend less time with their wives.
I instructed them to create a highway that won’t break. After a cooler of beer and a few trips to Menards, they had reinforced the highway with a unique mixture of tar, cement, and Arbonne protein powder. Potholes would be past-tense on my highway.
When word spread of my construction-free highway, motorists began to detour miles from their destination just to experience the splendor of six inches of construction free driving. I put a little donation box right on the shoulder, and appreciative motorists gleefully hurled dollar bills at it.
With the earnings, I purchased more highways, and soon I was paving over vast forest, croplands and wetland, all to expand our communal joyful commute.
As you can imagine, my epiphany soon detoured into death and destruction. By destroying farmlands and laying waste to the wetlands, mass starvation, flooding, and other Al Gore-ian apocalyptic events unfurled.
The bad news was that our society became a wasteland of human scavengers, confined to our cars for survival. The good news was that we were now free to traverse my world of irreplaceable highways with construction-free commutes.
It was a trade-off any construction-crazed motorist was all too happy to make.