Over the past two New Year’s, we as a nation have resolved to make Greg Mischio famous. You’ve done admirable work, but now I’m calling upon you to take my fame and fortune to another level – and help yourself in the process. It’s time to help me marry a celebrity in 2015.
If you’re new to the Make Greg Mischio famous movement, I shall debrief. Two years ago, I published an epiphany which attracted millions of people to my cause.
In it, I detailed the statistical improbability of anyone becoming famous on their own, and showed how we could all benefit if we joined forces and made one person famous. That person, of course, is me.
What do you get out of it? Fame by association, of course. You can tell stories of how you were one of the Founding Parents that made Greg Mischio Famous. It’s a welcome alternative to continuing to be the nobody that you are, and likely forever will be.
In 2013, the first year of the movement, I actually tried to contribute to your efforts by doing something that justified fame. I wrote funny blog posts. In 2014, I came to my senses.
I realized you could become a celebrity by doing absolutely nothing at all, so I spent the bulk of last year sitting on my keyster. You worked hard, and I did nothing – a true win-win situation.
But now it’s time to take it up another notch. This year, I want you to help me find and marry a celebrity.
Rationale for Rejecting the Current Wife
Don’t get me wrong, I really love my wife. She is kind, loving, caring, mother to my children, and the occasional cleaner of the coffee maker. If I wasn’t on the road to superstardom, I actually might stay married to her.
But fame and fortune will not permit it. Celebrities don’t marry schmucks. They marry other celebrities, and then divorce them so they can marry even more celebrities.
It’s time for me to follow suit. Here’s how it will work.
First, I’m going have an affair with a celeb. Not an outright affair, mind you, but something that is going to be captured by the paparazzi.
The celeb will like the idea that I am a bit of an unknown, as the public will surely wonder, “Who is this 46-year old minivan-driving man from Wisconsin?” How sexy. How intriguing.
My wife is cool with this, as she knows I’ll be divorced in a year or two, and then we can get back together for a while before I move on to my next celebrity wife. She’s been supportive of me becoming famous all along, so why stop now?
So where do you fit into the picture? It’s now up to you to use your connections to find me a celebrity wife.
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, I decide to marry Scarlett Johansson. All you need to do is either call her up and arrange the blind date, or protest outside the house until she leaves her current husband and shacks up with me.
If someone finds me a more famous celeb, I’ll take it under consideration, but let’s start with Scarlett for now. Ok?
Time is flying by. The sooner Scarlett and I get together, the more famous I’ll be, and the happier you’ll be knowing that you once knew me. So what are you waiting for? Get Scarlett on the phone, and tell her I’ll pick her up around 8. It’s going to be a great year!