Couples that enjoy a successful marriage “complete” each other. I became the ying to my wife’s yang with my latest epiphany: I responded to her Detox Cleanse with my own Intox Clog.
The governing heads of the Mischio household each administer distinctive cabinet positions. I am the Secretary of the Defense, Treasury, and Interior (disposal of all dog and cat feces). My wife is in charge of Health, Education, and she, um, is kinda also the Commander-in-Chief.
Her leadership as the Secretary of Health is borderline heroic. She researches tirelessly, actually reads the fine print of food labels, and makes sure we don’t poison ourselves by eating the wrong kind of granola bar.
We are healthier people for it. My children expect to live well into their 120s. I was hoping to do the same, but I’m afraid heart damage caused by last weekend’s Packers meltdown will have me shuffling off to an early grave.
Yes, my wife is dang determined to keep us all around. And not just us. Her goal is to keep the entire human race alive for all of eternity.
This has led her to not only become an Arbonne representative (they sell Vegan-based nutrition and health products), but also to initiate a Detox Cleanse. She’s recruited all inhabitants of our neighborhood, our community, and the planet Earth.
If you’re not familiar with a Detox Cleanse, it’s very simple. You quit eating the crappy, dirt-cheap processed food, as well as dairy, sugar, gluten, and alcohol. I’m forgetting a few items, but if you cleanse with her, she’ll clue you in (I’ll get to that in a bit.)
The people who have cleansed with her have done extremely well. People are losing weight, feeling great, and are really ecstatic that my wife has prompted them to change their lives for the better. I’m proud of her, and of the people she’s helped.
Unfortunately, I can’t let this type of behavior go on.
Introducing the Intox Clog
The key to any successful economy is jobs. It’s the top priority for our country, even if it means putting our own health at risk.
My wife’s efforts to Detox America are hurting the crappy food producers of this country. Does my wife not care that the people who manufacture edible garbage will lose their jobs if she has her way?
She doesn’t, but I do. To be a good American, I will keep the economy afloat by rolling out the Intox Clog.
It’s quite simple. Instead of cleansing your body of all the harmful toxins that build up through bad nutritional habits, I’m going the other way. I say let’s speed up the process. Through the Intox Clog, you’ll double your intake of processed foods, sugar-laden whatever, and lots-o-beer.
The more you consume, the faster you’ll clog. And that’s great news for the economy.
Yes, you’ll be spending more money on food and drink, which is good for people who make food and drink. But even better, you’ll start encountering all types of health problems: Obesity, heart issues, knee problems, really bad gastritis.
Clog it up right, and we’ll boost the need for more health care workers to tend to our swollen, bloated selves. Compare that to what my wife and her cleansed corps are doing. I mean, how much money can you pump into the economy by being happy and exercising anyway?
You have a clear choice, people. Either Cleanse and think only about yourself, or Clog and continue doing what makes this country great.
PS – For all you narcissists out there, here is my wife Sharon’s email. She can give you the lowdown on the cleanse, if you’re interested and un-American.