Bald men aren’t fond of being bald. They’ll go to great lengths to restore or replace any hair loss. But instead of mourning the areas where hair ain’t, I propose celebrating the areas where hair is: Introducing my Open-Back Sweater Thing for Men.
I am a fortunate man-person. Besides the standard lineup of apes and neanderthals in my lineage, the Mischios also feature a long-line of hairy Italians. Hair growth has never been a problem for my kin. Or so I thought.
During the last few years, I have noticed a personal change on my personal person. Some sort of gravitational pull seems to be at work, as my hair has migrated south. Where once I had a bushy head of hair, now my ears, my eyebrows, and (sorry to ruin your day with this imagery) my back have grown wooly and wild.
I’m not alone. On a recent outing, a gaggle of equally aged-males and females had gathered at a local swimming hole. And as is the custom when swimming, men doffed shirts.
Lo and behold, beyond the swollen midriffs and sagging pectorals, I noted many of the shirtless lads also sported back-hair in abundance.
This gave me pause, as well as an upset stomach. Reflecting and retching on the moment, I asked myself, why does it matter where the hair lies? Why must it be on the head? Why can we not embrace – figuratively and literally – hair wherever it may sprout?
An epiphany suddenly blazed forth, like the high noon sun on that soon-to-be historic summer day: Back-hair must become stylish.
That night, with knitting needles in hand, I stitched together the hooded solution. It’s name was as succinct as the style was revolutionary. I called it “the Open-Back Sweater Thing.”
Open-Back Sweater Thing Sparks an Industry
From the front, the garment resembled a typical sweater. But from the back and side, the Open-Back Sweater Thing revealed an ingenious new look.
First, there was a little hoodie to cover up the offending area of baldness. Traveling south, the sweater featured an open back, the ideal showcase for back-hair that’s run amuck.
I modeled the bold new sweater for my wife. She took one look and upchucked, crying out between dry heaves, “Why would you do that to me?”
“I’m sorry. I-I thought, you know, because women’s backs are beautiful…”
“That’s because women’s backs aren’t covered in hair, you imbecile.”
Her reaction should not have surprised me. It was the byproduct of a culture obsessed with hairless flesh. For my new invention to really take hold and kick butt, I would have to undo a mindset 400 years in the making. Fortunately, I knew just where to turn.
I visited my local hair salon, adorned in my Open-Back Sweater Thing. After upchucks all around from stylists, I offered up epiphany version 2.0. “For this bad boy to sell, we need to make back hair beautiful. So go to it!”
Twenty minutes later, I left the salon, my back hair featuring a stylish side part and a little pompadour. I walked down the street, and two bald guys nearly tackled me.
“Where do I get a sweater like that, back-hair boy?” they asked. Just as I’d thought: Stylish back-hair is a surefire way to boost sales of Open-Back Sweater Things.
Two months later, my stylish innovation was selling big time. Besides the best-selling garment, I plan on opening a chain of back-hair salons nationwide. Where other epiphanies have gone bad for me, it looks like I’ve finally hit it rich.
That’s really not surprising. My great-grandpappy always said, when the good Lord gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Or, to paraphrase, when the good Lord gives you utterly repulsive back hair, you make a stylish Open-Back Sweater Thing.