Open-Back Sweater Thing Provides Relief for Male Baldness

Open_Back_Sweater_Thing

Bald men aren’t fond of being bald.  They’ll go to great lengths to restore or replace any hair loss. But instead of mourning the areas where hair ain’t, I propose celebrating the areas where hair is: Introducing my Open-Back Sweater Thing for Men.

I am a fortunate man-person.  Besides the standard lineup of apes and neanderthals in my lineage, the Mischios also feature a long-line of hairy Italians. Hair growth has never been a problem for my kin.  Or so I thought.

During the last few years, I have noticed a personal change on my personal person.  Some sort of gravitational pull seems to be at work, as my hair has migrated south.  Where once I had a bushy head of hair, now my ears, my eyebrows, and (sorry to ruin your day with this imagery) my back have grown wooly and wild.

I’m not alone.  On a recent outing, a gaggle of equally aged-males and females had gathered at a local swimming hole.  And as is the custom when swimming, men doffed shirts.

Lo and behold, beyond the swollen midriffs and sagging pectorals, I noted many of the shirtless lads also sported back-hair in abundance.

This gave me pause, as well as an upset stomach.  Reflecting and retching on the moment, I asked myself, why does it matter where the hair lies?  Why must it be on the head?  Why can we not embrace – figuratively and literally – hair wherever it may sprout?

An epiphany suddenly blazed forth, like the high noon sun on that soon-to-be historic summer day: Back-hair must become stylish.

That night, with knitting needles in hand, I stitched together the hooded solution.  It’s name was as succinct as the style was revolutionary. I called it “the Open-Back Sweater Thing.”

Open-Back Sweater Thing Sparks an Industry

From the front, the garment resembled a typical sweater.  But from the back and side, the Open-Back Sweater Thing revealed an ingenious new look.

First, there was a little hoodie to cover up the offending area of baldness.  Traveling south, the sweater featured an open back, the ideal showcase for back-hair that’s run amuck.

I modeled the bold new sweater for my wife. She took one look and upchucked, crying out between dry heaves, “Why would you do that to me?”

“I’m sorry. I-I thought, you know, because women’s backs are beautiful…”

“That’s because women’s backs aren’t covered in hair, you imbecile.”

Her reaction should not have surprised me.  It was the byproduct of a culture obsessed with hairless flesh.  For my new invention to really take hold and kick butt, I would have to undo a mindset 400 years in the making.  Fortunately, I knew just where to turn.

I visited my local hair salon, adorned in my Open-Back Sweater Thing.  After upchucks all around from stylists, I offered up epiphany version 2.0.  “For this bad boy to sell, we need to make back hair beautiful.  So go to it!”

Twenty minutes later, I left the salon, my back hair featuring a stylish side part and a little pompadour.  I walked down the street, and two bald guys nearly tackled me.

“Where do I get a sweater like that, back-hair boy?” they asked.  Just as I’d thought:  Stylish back-hair is a surefire way to boost sales of Open-Back Sweater Things.

Two months later, my stylish innovation was selling big time.  Besides the best-selling garment, I plan on opening a chain of back-hair salons nationwide. Where other epiphanies have gone bad for me, it looks like I’ve finally hit it rich.

That’s really not surprising.  My great-grandpappy always said, when the good Lord gives you lemons, you make lemonade.  Or, to paraphrase, when the good Lord gives you utterly repulsive back hair, you make a stylish Open-Back Sweater Thing.

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Comments

  1. That’s great for YOU but what about the men with no back hair??

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