Have you heard that Americans are now the most obese creatures on earth? We’re even fatter than whales and corn dogs. I’ve learned that high fructose corn syrup is the culprit, prompting me to replace the evil ingredient with my latest, leanest epiphany.
The Salem Witch Hunts of the mid-whenevers have nothing on the hysteria surrounding high fructose corn syrup. And my wife is leading the charge.
My wife is a health zealot. If you’re not committed to a healthy physique, she will engage in a very physical response. She’s been known to barge into houses, scan food labels on everything in the cupboards, and then force-feed protein shakes to all inhabitants.
Her nemesis is high fructose corn syrup. The other day, she explained to me why this stuff is turning us all into fat fatties.
“Sugar is the primary driver behind obesity,” she said. “Our bodies have not evolved enough to process it, and it…”
I think she went on to explain how sugar does something or other, but by that point, I had fallen asleep. Before the lecture, I had wolfed down a bowl of Captain Carbo breakfast cereal, and the subsequent sugar crash had laid me low.
But was she right? I wasn’t sure. You can’t believe everything you hear, especially when it comes from the woman you love. I decided to do my own research on high fructose corn syrup.
I read labels. On everything. Cereal. Pasta. Staple guns. Sure enough, my wife was right. High fructose corn syrup was in every object that had ever been created by man, and then some.
For example, the Mona Lisa was painted with high fructose corn syrup. The Golden Gate Bridge is made of steel, asphalt and high fructose corn syrup. The fighter jets on the USS Bombtheshitouttayou run on high fructose corn syrup.
It is everywhere. But if something is this ubiquitous, then we must need it, right? Like, you don’t see anyone getting pissed off at air, do you?
Rebranding the Villain
It occurred to me that poor high fructose corn syrup was a victim of a smear campaign by sons-a-bitches like my wife, who have nothing to do with their time but search for ways to get us all to live longer.
What they don’t realize is that high fructose corn syrup is kinda like the Force. It surrounds us and penetrates us: It binds the galaxy together.
I knew we couldn’t do away with it. But we sure could give it a healthy makeover
And that’s what I did. I rolled out “natural high fructose corn syrup.” Natural high fructose corn syrup contains all of the properties of regular high fructose corn syrup, except it’s natural. Which means its good for you, since Mother Nature wouldn’t produce anything that’s harmful, besides tsunamis and tornadoes.
Soon labels everywhere read, “Contains no high fructose corn syrup – only natural high fructose corn syrup.” What made it natural?
In the manufacturing plant where we made high fructose corn syrup, we opened some windows, allowing fresh air to enter. The fresh air made everything smell much more natural. Thus, the product became more natural, and if it says it’s natural, then it must be good for you.
Now when my wife kvetches about high fructose corn syrup, I brandish my new substitute and say, “Ah hah!” This I do from my lazy boy chair, where, because of my non-stop consumption of natural high fructose corn syrup, I have taken on the physical proportions of a houseboat.
But so what? I’m happy to be eating like a pig. And isn’t that what comes naturally to us all?