Oh boy, it’s New Year’s Resolution time. Instead of wasting energy on resolutions like losing weight or quitting smoking, focus on something that will improve your life in ways you never dreamed possible: Resolve to make me famous.
If you’re new to “Epiphanies that Will Alter the Course of Human Events,” allow me to provide a little background. It’s been several weeks since I launched this blog, yet in that short time, the adulation and praise heaped upon me has almost been embarrassing. A few examples:
- Grown men commonly offer to wash my car and provide free oil changes.
- Women take off their clothes and launch into suggestive belly dances when they see me at the grocery store.
- Young children give me their stuffed animals, which I use to generate a fair amount of coin when resold on eBay.
At this point, you’re probably reading this and thinking, “Geez, I wish my life was as glamorous and cool as his. I wish women would wag their bellies at me, or men would futz with my dipstick.
The good news? You can achieve a status that may even be better than being a celebrity: You can become someone who knows a celebrity.
The Benefits of Knowing Someone Famous
You really can’t go wrong when you know someone famous. Because my fame is soon to take off, you can get in on the action early, becoming part of the elite club that can say, “We knew him when.”
Why is it so advantageous to know someone famous, i.e. me?
- When you’re out to dinner with friends, you can tell stories about me – fictional ones if you’d like. Tell them about the time we were walking on the beach and I pulled a syringe out of your foot, or the time you saved me when I was choking on a gyro. Your stories will become infinitely more interesting with a celebrity in them.
- You can mention that you know me at a job interview. Employers like to hire people who know celebrities. You may even be able to skip getting a college education – just put my picture on the resume. That should do it.
- You can post pictures of me in your house, impressing dinner guests who will explain, “Oh, you know him?” (Be sure to put the picture over your fireplace mantle so people will notice it.)
You see? People will love you. In return, the more you talk about knowing me, the more people will discover me, which will have an avalanche effect on my fame. As I become more famous, then you will, by association, become more impressive as a human being. And so on, and so on.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Why should you put in all this effort to make me famous? Why not make yourself famous?
The biggest reason is that there just isn’t enough time in the day for everyone to be famous. Think how much time everyone would waste if they tried to get famous on their own? If we instead focus our efforts on working together and help one person achieve celebrity status, the amount of fame you’ll receive by association would dwarf anything you could achieve on your own.
Once again, I know what you’re thinking. I can hear you saying, “What if he forgets me? At this point, he’s at the brink of super-stardom. What happens when he’s become Mr. Super-stardom? How will he remember all the little people who made him what he is?”
This anxiety leads me to the truly beautiful part of this epiphany. You see, it really doesn’t matter if I forget the little people and never talk to you again. That becomes part of “getting screwed over by someone famous,” which may even be better than “knowing someone famous.”
The Benefits of Getting Screwed Over by Someone Famous
This is going to be hard for you to take, but I need to tell it to you straight-up: You’re kind of a loser.
Oh sure, you may have a nice home and nice family and a nice car and a nice retirement fund saved up. You may even have a bunch of friends who will rally around you when times are tough – a la Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, or Al Pacino in “Scarface.”
But we all know that stuff is pretty surface level. Really, you’re like everyone else. One of the masses. For whatever reason, whether it’s a lack of talent, drive, or big boobs, you don’t have what it takes to be a celebrity.
That leads me to the big benefit of “getting screwed over by someone famous.”
When I get to be a superstar, courtesy of your relentless support, you’ll actually benefit from me ignoring you and never answering your emails or comments on your posts. Why?
Because at that point, you can rail on me for being a stuck-up ass. You’ll have a new, juicy story to tell all the non-celebrity friends you hang out with – how I was once one of you, and now that I’m famous, I completely ignore you. I think I’m “too good for you.”
Do you see how wonderful this will be for you? Not only will you generate heaps of sympathy, but you’ll also look like a person of integrity and high moral-standing (as if).
Even better, you’ll have a really juicy story to pass on. It will almost seem like we had a personal feud. In fact, you can even send me tons of emails and leave a lot of comments on my post and maybe even try and call me on my cell phone. Rest assured, I won’t give you the time of day.
Naturally, this will increase my celebrity to staggering new heights. People will see that I’m no longer concerned with schleps like you, which will actually improve my standing in their minds: “He’s so famous, he doesn’t care about us underlings. I wish I were him, so I could not care about people too.”
If you really want to take it to the next level, you could even stalk me. I’ll be happy to put a restraining order on you. You’d be deemed a freak, but at least you could become a really famous freak. Might even be a book deal in it for you. Give it some thought.
In the meantime, spend the bulk of 2013 making me famous. Share my wonderful epiphanies with your pathetic friends via social media and through emails. Tell everyone you know that you’ve discovered this incredible new blog, and you were one of the first to befriend the wonderful talent that is Greg Mischio.
For the real go-getters out there, leave a comment below. This will help me forget you even more when I’m famous!
Good luck to you, and more importantly, to me in 2013! Together, I can make it big!