Are you too busy? Do you find there are never enough hours in the day to get everything done? Instead of trying to cram more into your waking hours, make better use of your sleep-time with my latest “Sleeping Assistant” epiphany.”
The inspiration for this epiphany comes to me from my friend Milt. A high-powered executive, Milt is forever on his laptop, checking his cell phone, and flying all over the country.
“I rarely get more than four to five hours of sleep a night,” he yawned as he checked his smart phone. “I’d be better off if I never went to sleep.”
With those words, ye olde epiphinal light bulb glowed above my head. “Then let’s make better use of your sleeping hours!” I cried.
The premise for the epiphany was simple: There are some tasks that only require a person’s physical presence. A Sleeping Assistant (SA) could help Milt perform those tasks, allowing him to get sleep and work at the same time.
Here’s how it worked. Milt had to travel to LA for a meeting. There was no reason for him to be awake during the commute, so we put him in an oxygenated coffin. The SA (I hired a temp worker named Steve) drove Milt to the airport, checked him through baggage, flew with the plane, then retrieved the coffin, drove it to the hotel, and woke our boy up.
He arrived at the meeting, perky and ready to go.
Exercise and Family Time Next
The Sleeping Assistant concept was soon applied to exercise. Making smart use of duct tape, the SA strapped Milt’s arms and legs to an exercise bike, and then moved his legs for a half hour. Milt slept and sweated through it all.
Soon Milt was down to 2 hours of having to actually sleep in his bed at night. Ever the shrewd exec, he thought we could do better.
Family time was the natural next step. For example, no communication takes place during dinnertime while people are chewing. The SA thus propped Milt up at the table, and fed him from an IV.
After dinner, it was time to read to the children. We had hired an impersonator to read and record several books in Milt’s voice. The recording was then played back to the children while they snuggled on sleeping Milt’s lap.
From time to time, my epiphanies encounter catastrophic failure. This was one of those times.
It happened on a routine flight to a meeting. The airline lost Milt’s oxygenated coffin, and he was inadvertently placed on a plane bound for Argentina. His oxygen supply couldn’t last for the long flight, and he suffocated.
Don’t worry. All was not lost. His family grieved, sure, but then they decided life with dead Dad probably wouldn’t be all that different than sleeping Dad.
With the help of a benevolent taxidermist, Milt was stuffed. He soon resumed his place at the family dinner table. The SA became the DGA – the Dead-and-Gone Assistant – and I’m sure he will be gainfully employed for the foreseeable future.
Photo by pedrojperez