Passive-Aggressive Plants Must Be Stopped!

Fighting back against passive aggressive plants

It’s time to call the plant world on the carpet. These passive-aggressive rooted things are messing with my head, not to mention my lawn. The reverse-psychology of my amazing new epiphany put them in their place. [Read more…]

Behold the Teenager Planning Committee

teenage planning commission

A wise man once said, “Teenagers don’t plan for anything. Ever.” I echo the sentiment, which is why I created the Teenager Planning Committee, one I felt certain would restore order to the chaotic parenting community. [Read more…]

Take a 50-Week Vacation

photo-sharing

My family recently enjoyed a fantastic one-week vacation. Upon returning, our lives plunged into 50 weeks of prolonged hell. Why do we subject ourselves to the post-vacation blues? Instead, try my epiphany, which turns the tables on the vacation paradigm. [Read more…]

Take the ALS Billionaire Challenge

Isolated bucket of US banknotesUnless you’re holed up Unabomber-style, you’ve likely encountered the ALS Ice Bucket challenge. It’s produced amazing results, but we’ll get to the cure faster if someone takes my ALS Billionaire Challenge. [Read more…]

The Garment the Opposite Sex Can’t Figure Out

garment the opposite sex can't figure out

The epic battle between the sexes has raged since the day Eve borrowed Adam’s rib and didn’t put it back. To help us men conquer the women-people, I’m fighting fire with fire by inventing the garment the opposite sex can’t figure out. [Read more…]

One Word Can Keep Things Cool with Your Wife

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I have put my foot in mouth so many times that there is a size 9 footprint embossed on my tongue. To overcome my poorly-timed and ill-advised words, I’ve taken a page out of the family dog’s book: I will only say one word. [Read more…]

How Do You Throw Out an Old Garbage Can?

how do you throw out an old garbage can

My father posed this vexing question to me the other day: How do you throw out an old garbage can? Immediately I put my epiphanal powers to work, and derived a solution that not only takes care of over-the-hill garbage cans, but all highway trash as we know it. [Read more…]

Congress Needs a Reverse Jesus

Congress Needs a Reverse Jesus

Is it just me, or is our Congress a tad ineffectual? Bi-partisanship has split the Democrats and Republicans asunder, which is why I employed the brilliant tactical move – the Reverse Jesus – to bring them together.

[Read more…]

Conduct Tours of Your Children’s Filthy Rooms

Tour My Kids Filthy Bedroom

My family must be high on the target list for Al Qaeda, because every time I walk past the kids’ rooms, it looks like a car bomb went off. Instead of nagging them to clean, however, I’m pursuing a bold new strategy. I’m giving tours of their ridiculously messy rooms. [Read more…]

Barstool-Ski Lift Hybrid Reduces Drunk Driving

barstool

Drunken driving has inflicted untold amounts of pain, misery and suffering, yet we seem at a loss for how to curb its deadly consequences. That’s because we’re not putting capitalism to work, folks. So let’s drink to the end of drunk driving with my new Barstool-Ski Lift Hybrid. [Read more…]

The Study of All Those Irritating Studies

Studies

How I loathe those accursed research studies that state the completely obvious. The news media reports on them like they’re amazing new revelations, instead of statistically-backed validations of common sense. On the bright side, they’ve given rise to my latest epiphany: The Study of All Those Irritating Studies. [Read more…]

Instilling Fear of Meteor Showers in Worrywart Moms

Instilling Fear of Meteors in Worrywart Moms Monica LaLanda

Why do we use the term “worrywart”? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to refer to chronic worriers as “mom”? Mommies tend to worry excessively about anything and everything, at least they did until my latest epiphany. (This week’s post features another guest illustration from Monica LaLanda!) [Read more…]

Forcing Educators to Stop the Homework Avalanche

A_Simple_Way_To_Reduce_Homework

It’s typical to see a high schooler burdened with 4-5 hours of homework a night. Is there not some way to impart knowledge without keeping our young uns up till 3 am? There is now, with my latest epiphany: I make those accursed educators do homework too.  [Read more…]

How to Make the Most of Abysmal Wisconsin Weather

Institute Floating Holidays for Abysmal Wisconsin Weather
It’s no picnic living in Wisconsin.  Dangerous wind chills during the winter, predatory mosquitoes and gawd-awful humidity during the summer – it seems like a dress rehearsal for eternal damnation.  My latest epiphany is designed to make the most of the days it actually is nice in this wretched state.  [Read more…]

Replace Corporate CEOs with First-Grade Teachers

Replacing CEOs

I’ve done my time in the corporate world, and it turned my stomach.  The infighting, politics, groveling, and backstabbing — it all starts at the top.  That’s why my latest epiphany replaces the CEOs of major corps with first-grade teachers.  Specifically, my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Smith.  (This week’s epiphany includes a special guest illustration from Phil Wong.) [Read more…]