How Shopping at Costco Can Bring About World Peace

Costco
At the behest of friends and neighbors, we recently joined Costco.  A subsequent trip to the megastore led me to realize that Costco can not only save me a few bucks, it can also help nation-states live in peace and harmony. [Read more…]

You Can Make Greg Mischio Even More Famous in 2014!

Greg_Mischio
My gratitude to the millions who resolved in 2013 to make me famous.  You’ve done well, but this year you can do even better, thanks to my latest epiphany. [Read more…]

Why I Drive a Tank to Work

why_I_drive_a_tank_to_work

Have you ever noticed how some senior citizens drive cars the size of school buses?  These big honkin’ vehicles actually serve as a brilliant defensive-driving strategy, which I took to a new level with my latest epiphany: Drive a tank to work. [Read more…]

The Gigi Epiphany

WrightForbucks

Welcome another guest blogger to Alter the Course – Wright Forbucks.  My man Wright is a humorist extraordinaire and author of Billy Grist and the Walking Man.  His epiphany hits close to home for me, as it reveals why my mini-dachshund pisses me off on a regular basis.  Enjoy! [Read more…]

Using Special Forces to Tour Celebrity Homes

ted_lange

On a recent trip to Hollywood, I toured the Beverly Hills neighborhood, and was dismayed to find each home protected by security fences, Uzi-bearing guards, and crocodile-filled moats.  This snooty stand-offishness inspired yet another epiphany: Using Special Forces to tour homes of Hollywood stars. [Read more…]

How My Wife Got the USA to Double Its Debt

Banker and Wife

The US national debt was estimated to be $16.085 trillion as of April 2, 2013.  At first glance, this looks like a lot of mullah, and the knee-jerk reaction might be to repay it.  However, by applying the principles of my wife’s epiphany-worthy economic principles, I’m about to show you why we actually have another $16 trillion at our disposal. [Read more…]

The NFL Should Draft Fetuses

Pregnant woman

Unless you’ve spent the last month vacationing at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, you’re well aware that the NFL Draft takes place this week.  The deluge of draft-day details is overkill to some, but to me, it’s the inspiration for a brilliant new epiphany:  Drafting pro football prospects while they’re still in the womb.  Say hello to the the Pro Football Fetus Draft. [Read more…]

Why We Need Cars That Crap

HorsePoop

Everyone loves a parade.  Until, that is, Mr. Clydesdale clops by and drops about fifty pounds of steamy excrement.  For some reason, we tolerate this gauche horsey behavior, which is what inspired me to produce an epiphany with global repercussions:  We need cars that crap. [Read more…]

Assassinating The World’s Most Competitive Parents

CompetitiveParents

I’m not a big fan of killing.  Generally, if I want to inspire a change in behavior, I find maiming or heavy duty ridicule to be more effective.  But if we truly want to stop today’s insane family activity load, the only sure-fire way is to assassinate the World’s Most Competitive Parents. [Read more…]

Pay for College by Abandoning Your Teenager in a Dumpster

Dumpster

You’ve got to love the tremendous value everyone places on a college education.  It’s of such great value that everyone goes broke trying to pay for it.  My latest epiphany overcomes this financial hurdle, and all that is required is a teenager, a dumpster and the kindness of strangers. [Read more…]

Stop Discriminating Against Dicks

AngryMan

I really hate to go all vulgar on you and use the word “dicks” in this epiphany, but I’ve scoured the english language and there simply is no substitute.  Only the word “dicks” can accurately describe the population that has been unjustly discriminated against.  It’s time for dicks to fight the power, and stand up for our rights. [Read more…]

Cherished Vice Helps Swimming Replace Football

Swim meet
It’s over for high school football.  The moment a parent whose child has suffered a football-borne concussion files a personal injury lawsuit, every school district will scramble for an alternative.  It dawned on me that there was a perfect replacement for the prized pigskin:  Swimming.  That is, swimming paired with a certain vice even more popular than football. [Read more…]

Survival Skills for Suburban Males

burbs

I’ve long wondered what would happen if the country’s energy grid went kaput and suburban men were left to fend for their families.  Would we step up to the plate like the hardened frontiersman of old, or whimper and die like the pink-skinned cubicle lambs of new?  I resolved to ensure the former with my new epiphany, a survival skill course for suburban males. [Read more…]

The Correct Answer to “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?”

dress

Since the dawn of time, women have asked men the world’s most feared question, “Does this dress make me look fat?”  I, being the master of epiphanal thoughts, have at last produced a solution that spares men having to answer, saving lives and marriages in the process. [Read more…]

The World Greatest Valentine’s Day Present

Heart

Valentine’s Day is a source of unfathomable stress for menfolk across this great land.  The stakes are incredibly high.  You get the right gift, and you could wind up in Victoria Secret splendor.  Guess wrong, and you best set the shower temp for frigid.  Deciding to go for broke, I just chose a unique but heartfelt gift: This year, I’m going to liberate my wife from the Childbirth Conspiracy. [Read more…]