The epic battle between the sexes has raged since the day Eve borrowed Adam’s rib and didn’t put it back. To help us men conquer the women-people, I’m fighting fire with fire by inventing the garment the opposite sex can’t figure out.
Why are men and women at odds? It all boils down to complexity.
Men-people like me prefer to keep things simple. I like Belgian beers and sports. Simple.
Women-people like introspection, talking about feelings, and discussing their problems. That’s complicated.
Complexity frightens me. It frightens all men, and which is why we agree to the most arduous tasks to avoid it. It’s much easier to clean a gutter than it is to talk about relationships and emotional support.
Here’s a perfect example of women’s love of complexity: Your garments.
Consider one of my wife’s more bewildering contraptions: It’s a piece of black fabric, approximately 7 x 10“, which includes a series of straps, hooks, and zippers. It looks like a pair of underwear, a straitjacket, and a tackle box have all cross-bred in the laundry hamper.
I asked my wife about it. “Oh that’s my ___,” she said. (The name of the object I have suppressed from my memory, so complicated and convoluted it was.)
“What’s it for?”
“For certain outfits.”
I inspected its straps, zippers and fabric. “How do you even put it on?”
“You’re interested? Let me explain.” She then launched into a three-hour explanation. Halfway through, I was reduced to a fetal position, begging her to let me go plunge a toilet or clean the garbage cans — any arduous task would have been a welcome alternative.
You see, boys? Her garment scared me. Frightened me into submission.
I believe if we’re going to level the playing field, we have to be willing to delve into the complex. I thus developed my latest epiphany: I would one-up the women people, and create a garment they would find equally bewildering.
I called an engineer friend of mine, explained our dire situation and the need to fight back. He agreed, noting that he too had encountered one of his wife’s unfathomable garments. “Somehow it got in my clothes drawers,” he told me in a quivering voice. “I swear it ate my underwear.”
Fighting Fire with Garment
The garment we created was a merger of fabric, flooring, steel wool and fishing lures. It took us nearly four months to figure out how to put it on. In the end, we had our own unfathomable garment, one that was sure to inspire feminine fear.
However, before I could mass-produce the garment and distribute it to men-people, my epiphany unravelled.
I came home one day and saw my unfathomable garment on the dining room table, holding a bouquet of freshly cut flowers.
“What the hell is that?” I screamed.
“It’s a centerpiece!” my wife chirped. “Your thing makes the perfect holder for flowers.”
“But that’s not what it’s for!”
“It is now,” she replied. “In fact, a few of the ladies down the street would like one. We’re thinking about making them in different colors, maybe one for the kitchen, or the living room…”
She blathered on, and I slumped away. In just a few moments, she’d taken a complex object that was designed to inspire fear and trauma, and gone Martha Stewart on my ass. The fight was over before it even started.
Men-people, we are lost. Complexity is not our forte – it’s just that simple.
Come on over tonight. Let’s drown our sorrows with a few Belgian beers and watch SportsCenter. Dress code: Casual. Or should I say, Not Complicated.