News headlines are filled with harrowing stories of religious and political extremists carrying out horrifying attacks. For once, can’t we have an extremist who is cool? I think that would be nice, thus I’ve launched the Pizza Extremists.
Personally, I don’t think it would be much fun to be an extremist. Granted, you’ve got the guarantee that your god will reward you in the afterlife for killing his innocent creatures. But still, burning people alive and slaughtering innocent children doesn’t seem like it’s all that pleasurable – for you or the victims.
The typical extremist seems to be young, male, unemployed / poor, and disenfranchised. They are easily swayed by folks who convince them that murder and mayhem is a great way to spend an afternoon.
When I read about how easily these young men are coerced into becoming, I recall my college days. My buddies and I managed to enjoy ourselves without setting people on fire.
Why didn’t we follow the same path of these young extremists? We were unemployed at the time. We were poor, judging by how much mac and cheese we ate. And we probably couldn’t even spell disenfranchised.
Naturally, we didn’t have an imperialists superpower messing with us, but there were still plenty of things that could have pissed us off at the time. So why didn’t we go extremist?
It’s simple. Pizza.
At the end of the night, when beers had been consumed or political arguments had reached a fever pitch, the call inevitably went out for pizza. Somehow, a 16-inch sausage and pepperoni thick-crust pizza calmed nerves while it coagulated blood streams.
Instead of burned corpses and shattered families, our living rooms were filled with empty pizza boxes and grease-soaked napkins. Pizza. It saved us all.
And I knew it could save us again. I thus epiphanized my latest solution to global terrorism – the Pizza Extremists.
Peace Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less
As a blond-haired white guy that speaks absolutely no Arabic, I knew it would be easy for me to travel to a Middle Eastern country and infiltrate a local band of extremists. And as a new branch of radical fundamentalists opens every day, I had plenty of options.
I picked a group called FOFFOOF : (. Because of the cool little angry face / emoticon in its name, FOFFOOF : ( had become a very popular extremist group. I attended their one of their meetings, in which they explained to me why they were all deeply committed to the destruction of the planet Earth.
Apparently, their god had decreed that everyone who was alive should be very dead (I wondered if everyone is dead, who the heck will take out the recyclables, but I kept the question to myself). “Let’s get killing,” they said with a round of hearty high-fives.
This was my moment. I raised my hand.
“Hey, how about we order some pizza?” I said.
I was met with some quizzical looks, but one of the elders thought a little pizza might be a great way to kick-off a killing spree. Twenty-minutes later, a Papa John’s drone air-dropped a pizza, and a feast was underway.
The cheese and sausage soon began to emanate its magical powers, and rocket launchers and thoughts of mayhem got pushed to the back-burner. We tuned into Jeopardy, and then watched Seth Rogen movies until the wee hours of the morning.
The next day, the leaders of FOFFOOF : ( said their god had spoken to them last night, and he now had a new directive. They were to open a chain of “Pappa Johns” franchises, and ensure that pizza was available for the devout.
Thus began the Pizza Extremists. They began franchising Pappa Johns all over the continent, doing their darndest to ensure that anyone, anywhere, had access to a 16-inch pan style pizza with extra sauce.
Today Pizza Extremists are expanding around the globe, and random acts of mayhem are on the decline. Oil-dependent economies are diversifying because of all the new Pappa Johns locations. The disenfranchised now have franchises.
My advice to you? If you have an extremist in your neighborhood, send them a 16-inch deep dish. I think you’ll both agree it’s literally food from heaven.