Congrats, Ebola. You’ve effectively scared the s— out of everyone. In defense of the world, I decided to thwart Ebola’s viral hinder, but not by combating its root cause. I got reactive instead of proactive and launched my new designer Hazmat suits.
Humankind is not built to be proactive. We’ve heard all the kvetching about how the World Health Organization and the governments of West Africa should have been more responsive to the Ebola outbreak, but that’s just bunk.
That’s like saying the world should be more proactive about eliminating poverty and improving education, so that the poor sanitary conditions that led to spread of Ebola won’t occur.
Not happening, folks. Why? Because it’s boring.
Yes, being proactive is boring. Improving living standards, combating poverty, buildings schools – that’s the kind of stuff left-wing liberals whine about until the cows come home (or drop dead from Mad Cow disease.) Bo-ring.
Have you ever seen a great summer blockbuster about a proactive, left-wing liberal fighting poverty? No. Pulse-pounding moments only occur after the crisis unfolds. Iron Man doesn’t testify on Capitol Hill. He blows stuff up and smashes faces in defense of Capitol Hill. Yippee!
Reactive measures are also good for the economy. When last I checked, the Iron Man movies made more money than the GDP of Sierra Leone, Guinea and Liberia combined. So there.
Now, if you’re keeping up with my epiphanal logic, the next step is simple: Since we don’t, and won’t, get proactive about Ebola, how do we get reactive?
By meshing the CDC with commercialism. Behold the designer Hazmat suit.
Protection Against Ebola and STDs
Everyone dreads Ebola, but perhaps even more, they dread the prospect of donning one of those ugly Hazmat suits.
Why? Well first, they make you look fat. Second, they’re bulky, and would make eating cereal a chore. Finally, can you imagine trying to get it on with a loved one in a Hazmat suit? That would be about as intimate as making love to a closet.
What the world needed was a yoga-pants version of the Hazmat suit. I made a call to a top-notch New York designer, and within a few days, he’d designed a sleek, form-fitting Hazmat suit. We’re talking runway material.
Speaking of material: To make it skin-tight and allow for easy access to cereal and lovemaking, I decided to craft the suit out of prophylactics. Yes, condoms, the sperm-shields that have effectively kept our population in check. We called the new suit the Rubber-Made.
To assemble the ensemble, I called a little old lady down the street, who is quite the seamstress, and she revved up the needle and thread. The sewing took quite a while, as I’d inadvertently purchased lubricated condoms for material. They proved difficult for the seamstress to work with, what with her arthritis and all.
When she’d finished a few suits, I opened up a stand on the street corner, and immediately we sold out. People donned the suits right there on the street, and went home to celebrate Ebola protection by making vigorous and well-protected love.
I’m happy to announce the new designer Hazmat suits will keep you shielded from Ebola, sexually-transmitted diseases, and whatever will happen when global warming wreaks worldwide havoc.
If you want to purchase one, please leave your name in the comment form below. I’ve got my seamstress putting in 80 hours a week on production. Provided she doesn’t drop dead from exhaustion, you should have your Rubber-Made by Christmas!