Behave Wrong So Your Kids Will Grow Up Right

If a teenager’s natural instinct is to rebel against their parents, then doesn’t it make sense for Mom and Dad to eschew hard work and lucrative careers?  In other words, if you want your kids to grow up right, your only hope is to behave wrong.

My wife and I are trying our darndest to instill good behavior in kids. We monitor where the kids go when they go out with friends, and make sure parents are at everyone’s house when the young ‘uns get together.

We also try and model good behavior.  We work hard, exercise, eat right, and try not to beat the dog.

It’s a far cry from sex, drugs and rock and roll, which are the calling card of any generation’s youth.  I can already see my kids wincing at the thought of mom and dad’s tedious existence.  It’s only a matter of time before they start rioting and setting cars on fire.

Thus my epiphany.  As I explained to my wife at breakfast, “If we start acting like dirtballs, they will naturally want to rebel and do the opposite.  We need to act, and act now.”

I popped open a Budweiser and pouring it on my Rice Chex.  “Time to party.”

You Party Till They Puke

When our kids came down for breakfast, I had cranked through my fourth Budweiser and fifth bowl of Rice Chex.  My wife was on her third Bloody Mary, and was singing “Bad Moon Rising” to the rising sun.

“Mom, Dad, what is this?” our shocked offspring cried.

“Drugs, Rock and Roll,” I proclaimed.  “We’re waiting till you go to school for the Sex.”

The kids turned green, and my daughter made a gagging sound.  “Come on, let’s get out here,” my son said, and they scurried off in stunned disbelief.

Later that day, I received an email that both kids had scored perfect scores on their respective math tests, and would be staying after school for extra credit.  “It’s working,” I told my wife.

When they arrived home for dinner, I made sure they were greeted by me taking a hit of weed from a water bong.  It was actually some old Oregano from the spice cabinet, and the bong was a modified flower vase.  They couldn’t tell the difference, and promptly ran out of the house.

For the next three months, my wife and I partied, fornicated, and even robbed a convenience store.  Eventually we were arrested, and are currently serving time.  But my strategy worked.

 Our kids, rebels to the core, did their best to refute their parent’s lifestyle.  My daughter was just named the CEO of Pink, partially because of her business acumen, and partially because of her zeal for some serious employee discounts.  My son was just awarded the Nobel Prize for the kick-ass extra credit assignment his did in AP physics.

Meanwhile, we are rotting away in jail, with no hope for parole, but also with no regrets.  We’re content with the fact that we’ve parented wrong, and our children are turning out right.

Photo by Moyan Brenn


  1. Loved this!! I have often lamented being a dutiful parent after seeing children of scumbags turn out well and STRIVE for their parents approval while my offspring just blow off my approval since parents “have to think I am wonderful”. Prison is a small price to pay.

  2. This is great!!!! Love it!

  3. Love it! Too late for us alas! But I’ll suggest it to our student sons (when they are next in speakable-to-mode!)

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