Is it just me, or is our Congress a tad ineffectual? Bi-partisanship has split the Democrats and Republicans asunder, which is why I employed the brilliant tactical move – the Reverse Jesus – to bring them together.
Jesus, as you may have heard, is the central figure of Christianity, and is considered by many to be the Son of God. In an informal poll, 9 out of 10 dentists ranked Jesus ahead of Santa Claus and Aaron Rodgers as the being most beloved by all of humanity.
So what is a Reverse Jesus? A Reverse Jesus is a person who is hated as much as Jesus was loved. My former college roommate is a prime example.
I lived with a group of slovenly lads, and we were bound together by our general disdain for studying, manners, and laundered garments. As an added bonus, we also didn’t really care about anything other than college basketball and horribly inexpensive beer.
One roommate deviated from the norm. He had the audacity to get rankled when others poached his frozen chicken nuggets, or borrowed his car and returned it on E. He tantrumed with great frequency, which inspired much hatred. He was a “Reverse Jesus.”
But why should I let hatred of a Reverse Jesus go to waste? I decided to use this archetype to reform American politics.
Minus the Manger, Reverse Jesus is Born
I travelled to Washington, DC, and met with freshest of the freshman Congresspeople: A well-scrubbed simpleton named Steve Baker from the great state of Idaho.
I discussed my plan with him, describing my former roommate’s conduct. “You will employ similar dickhead moves in Congress,” I told him. “Your goal is to piss off everyone on both sides of the aisle.”
His conduct as a Reverse Jesus would create a common enemy among the warring political factions, and their mutual hatred would distract them from other differences. “Government will work again,” I said. “And you’ll go down in history as the reason why.”
The only thing that matters more to a politician than cash is a well-stroked ego, and I could tell by Steve’s audible purring that I’d struck a nerve.
Soon he was employing the dickhead moves left and right. He filibustered laws proposed by both parties. He made audible farting noises with his hands when others delivered speeches. He routinely brought donuts to committee meetings, but refused to share them.
Congressional leaders held press conferences decrying Steve’s actions. They quickly passed bills on immigration, healthcare reform, and education policy so they could spend more time dealing with Steve’s behavior. Reverse Jesus had worked to perfection.
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Steve decided to retire from politics, accepting a lucrative offer to write a book. I asked other Congresspeople to fill the void, but they refused to go another day without donuts at subcommittee meetings.
Dysfunctionally returned to Congress. All we can do now is pray that Reverse Jesus rises from the politically-dead, and leads us to our salvation.