What’s the big deal about athletes taking performance-enhancing drugs? We want them to be superheroes and perform superhuman feats, so let’s give them the juice to make it happen. Say hello to the Druggie Football League.
First of all, let’s be honest. Players on drugs win. Yes, winning isn’t everything, but it sure is the best thing on TV. And as for those concerns regarding the health of the players, I can only chuckle. If we really cared for these poor saps, perhaps we wouldn’t allow them to receive brain-scrambling blows to the head.
That’s why I launched the DFL – the Druggie Football League. The premise is quite simple. Athletes who participate in the Druggie Football League are allowed to play (in fact, encouraged) to play loaded up on their drug of choice.
The execs at FOX salivated at the combination of sports and illegal drugs, and they ponied up a multi-billion, multi-year, multi-multi contract. The cash was to be used for drug buys and flimsy cheerleader garb.
We assembled teams in metropolitan areas. New York fielded the Big Apple Addicts. Washington DC followed suit with the Beltway Burnouts. And California entered the fray with the LA Highway Heroes.
The first game was played in Central Park. Athletes could take their drug stipends into nearby wooded areas, where vast legions of pushers were waiting to prime their pumps.
Let the Game (hic) Begin
The Big Apple Addicts took the opening kickoff and handed the ball to former pro running back named Willie Jordan. Between plays, Jordan took crack hits off a reconfigured oxygen mask. He tore through the defense like a madman, and soon the Big Apple Addicts were up 21-0.
The Beltway Burnouts rallied, thanks to the play of steroid junkie Billy Jo Jenkins. Billy Jo was so riddled with steroids that he’d grown to size of a U-Haul trailer.
On his first play, muscle-bound Billy Jo grabbed Willie Jordan’s right leg and ripped it off his body. He then ran over to the front row and handed the limb to a little boy in the stands. A souvenir for that lucky boy!
Each player’s addiction was both a blessing and a curse. The Vicodin addicts could play through compound fractures and spinal cord injuries, but were relatively ineffective due to paralysis et al. The stoners kept everybody loose on the sidelines with their ever-present giggle fits, but they couldn’t work up the initiative to run a decent pass route. The alcoholics were the most enthusiastic (i.e. loudest), but half of them perished in drunk-driving accidents on the way to the park.
The most successful players? The heroin junkies, who are able to outlast the misery longer than anyone.
When the game concluded, I headed to join in the post-game celebration, but it was not to be. The champagne was gone. An alcoholic, who had managed to arrive at the park intact, had discovered the supply before the game. He’d shot-gunned the lot of it, and was found passed out amidst scores of empty champagne bottles.
Ah well, you win some, you lose some. But at least with the Druggie Football League, you have a helluva party either way.
Photo by Elvert Barnes