Gazillion Dollar College Tuition

Gazillion dollar college tuition

My son has started looking at colleges, which means his parents have started looking at jaw-dropping tuitions. It’s inspired an epiphany bound to shake the foundation of those ivory towers: gazillion dollar tuition for one person.

Researchers for years have been equating education with success. Many studies indicate that the more you study something, the more you understand it, and the easier it is to sell it at a craft fair.

I’m 100 percent on board with that compelling research. What I can’t grasp is why I have to spend my retirement nest egg so my son can go to college, get a job, earn a lot of money, and eventually spend his retirement nest egg on his son.

The truth is, college has become outrageously expensive, and if you step foot on a college campus these days, you’ll understand why. Take the luxury dorms common at most luxury resorts, er, universities.

Not to sound like the cranky old guy, but when I went to school, I was detained in a 10 x 10 cinderblock cell with another unfortunate. We were forced to subsist on mac and cheese and Old Milwaukee beer. We sent many a desperate plea to Amnesty International for rescue, who replied with an unsympathetic, “Buck up. It’s college, dudes!”

Today’s posh dorms include private bathrooms, private rooms, and private rooms to inspect your privates. Since when did public universities get so darned privatized?

The situation seems untenable, since tuition keeps skyrocketing, and people gladly shovel forth wheelbarrows-o-cash.

But I have a simpler solution. Instead of all us busting our humps to send our kids to school, let’s put it all on one person. Let us select one supreme individual and bestow upon him/her the supreme, gazillion dollar education.

Can We Create a SuperSmart Guy?


We love superheroes so much, I say we build our own. Let’s put all our resources into educating the smartest, most sharpest, most brilliantest, man/woman in the world. A person who could not only lead us to prosperity, but also improve my use of adjectives.

I’m not suggesting we defy the law of physics and human biology and build a person with superhuman strength. Let the NFL do that.

No, my super-person would be so brilliant, so all-knowing, that he could run the world and make all the big decisions. There would be no need for anyone else to try and get smart. Super-Smart Guy/Girl could do it all for of us!

To do this, Super-Smart Guy/Girl would need some serious schooling, like combining everyone’s college into one heavy-duty major. The colleges were up for it, and soon we had the world’s most kickass college education, all focused on one person. And we all chipped in for his gazillion dollar tuition to make it happen.

We picked a heck of a super-smart guy, and he enjoyed a 20,000 to 1 professor to student ratio. The massive intellectual influx started out well, as he began kicking major butt on all his tests. He even went to class!

Then, as you’d expect, the wheels came off. Our super-smart guy realized how brilliant he’d become, but instead of applying his burgeoning brainpower to math or science, he decided to rule a very different world: He destroyed everyone in Clash of Clans.

Without our super-smart guy hooked on gaming, we were forced to revert to the old system. To make it worse, the regents liked the gazillion-dollar tuition, so they began to apply it to every new freshman.

You live and learn. And these days, you also better earn.


  1. Laura Bowden says

    Here I sit reading this post in an NYC cafe, enjoying a coffee with change I scrounged from my couch cushions, on my way to co-signing a lease for my daughter’s 1st apartment. Because an apartment in the city is cheaper than the NYU dorms.

  2. I’m thinkin’ the money might be better spent on a super brainy woman! :). School is expensive for the middle & upper middle income earners. Low income students are elligible for a host of grants/ scholarships. All 4 of mine went ( or are attending) college. It’s the reason mom ain’t got no savings! Athletic or intellecual prowess is the key to other scholarships.

  3. don’t mind me here, while i watch over $500 a month come out of my bank for my college education—-a mere less than $100 of that goes to the principal of my loans, the rest to interest….i’ll be done paying these when I’m 90…and I only have a bachelors, i’m little league here….when i got the tuition estimate for grad school, i almost—- my pants…..

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