Hack Santa This Xmas

High angle view of Santa Claus working on computer

Following the recent hack of Sony emails, I wondered who would – or should – be the next target. My choice? Santa. Discover why my latest epiphany ends the suffering of children worldwide via one well-orchestrated North Pole security breach.

For weeks prior to Christmas, children squirm with anxiety, hoping their wish list will be fulfilled and that St. Nick will be able to fit his fat arse down the chimney.

I remember this from my own childhood. ‘Twas cruelty, waiting out those long days and nights, unsure whether my requests for the Six Million Dollar Man action figure would be fulfilled. From October to December 25th, I rarely slept, ate nothing but Christmas cookies, and bathed only in fresh snow.

When the cherished day arrived, I was often too emaciated and exhausted to play with my gifts. I routinely spent the holiday in the emergency room, the presents scattered on my bed, unopened because I was too weak to tear the paper asunder.

Slurping on some egg nog and reflecting on these difficult days, I thought children today should not have to endure these excruciating waits.Technology has given us the means to circumvent the Santa slog.

Since hackers penetrated Sony’s well-protected network, it seems reasonable we could also infiltrate the North Pole’s electronic infrastructure. Once inside, we could find out exactly what kids are getting for Christmas, notify them, and thus end this insufferable waiting period.

And who better to take on this task but those forced to endure that most painful wait – the world’s young?

Have you ever noticed how kids can instantly master any technology? Something that would take an adult months to understand, a toddler can figure out in a few clicks and keystrokes.

I decided it was time to harken these hackers to help with my noble cause. I called a few neighbors, offering to kid-sit their kiddos. The parents were all to happy to oblige, knowing little of my diabolical plan.

I had 10 laptops waiting these young uns, and I gave them simple marching orders. “Infiltrate the North Pole database,” I told them. “And let’s find out what’s heading for the bottom of your tree.”

Hack the Herald Angel Sings

Boy illuminated by the blue light of a computer monitor

The half-pint hackers immediately began clicking away, fighting their way through firewalls and virus softwares. Most of the kids don’t even know how to read, yet they had circumnavigated through Pentagon-like security in a half hour.

By the time we broke for milk and cookies, every child knew what they were getting for Xmas. And that’s when something strange happened.

After the initial euphoria of the discovery, the kids appeared glum. Their faces looked tired. A few began to show signs of premature greying. One kid lit up a cigarette.

I wracked my brain for the cause of their group depression. Why the all the long faces? Our hack was successful. The wait was over. The uncertainty was over. They knew what Santa knew. Mission accomplished.

Then it hit me like a well-aimed slush ball. By ruining the Santa surprise, the youngsters had lost something in the process. The wait, painful though it may be, is what truly makes the big day so special. The journey was the reward.

That night, I emailed St. Nick, and spelled out in detail how we’d breached security on his network. I knew this would land me on the naughty list, but I asked him to show leniency toward my young hackers.

I was surprised to get a return email from kkringle@gmail.com, assuring me that the hackers would be given a reprieve this time, and this time only. I, on the other hand, would not be getting that Six Million Dollar Man action figure. Ever.

That seemed only fair . And I guess it’s better to give than to receive. After all, I had helped Santa understand the importance of a secure network, thereby assuring that Christmas would not be anti-climatic for future generations.

So even though the wait will be fraught with worry and anxiety, I have a feeling Santa will come through in the end for your kids and grandkids, just like he always has.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good byte.


  1. “…harken these hackers…” I wonder if I can use that phrase in my daily conversation.

    Another winner!

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