How God Can Make a Ton of Cash

Heavenly light

God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-all. But even He would be the first to tell you, you can just never have enough cash. With my latest Epiphany, I’ve got a foolproof way the creator can increase profits and put even more dough in his omniscient pocket.

It’s funny, but even after I wrote that first paragraph, people were already lining up on my front lawn to protest my blasphemy. Look, I’m sorry. I mean no offense toward you and whatever God you may worship. But He would be pissed if I didn’t share with him my money-making scheme for supreme beings.

It’s based on of the greatest money makers of all time: the iPhone. Recently, I purchased a new iPhone. I had to. Even though my old one worked great, the latest phones are much more “future-forward,” as the Apple store reps told me.

They were right. My new iPhone was so future-forward that it has problems working in the present. I could do a gazillion new things with my 8.0 operating system, but no phone calls were coming through. (Perhaps that’s not so future-forward to buy a phone that actually takes phone calls.)

How does this all relate to God and making a boatload of heavenly cash? It’s simple. He created life, and a ton of organisms that depend upon his proprietary operating system. So what should God do?

He should make us upgrade. That’s right. Every two years, if you are a living organism, you have to upgrade your life operating system. You don’t necessarily need to swap out hardware (the torn meniscus in my knee sure could go) but you do need to upgrade your mind.

God could charge a pretty nominal monthly fee for His Life OS subscription service. How about “$5.95 to stay alive.” Kinda catchy.

Think of the cash He could make! There are 7.125 billion people on earth. At $5.95 a month, He’d be pulling in $42,393,750,000 a month. Pure profit, except for the service fee from PayPal.

I know God can make anything, anytime, but tell me He wouldn’t like $42 billion in pocket-change every month.

My Life OS was perfect. The big challenge was to contact God and deliver the pitch.

Literal Angel Investor

I did a quick Google search for God’s email address, but no dice. Of course, He is on Twitter.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 8.34.00 AM

Thus, I tweeted him my pitch. 140 characters or less: “@God Howza bout charging for Life OS? $5.95 per mo to stay alive? $42 bil per mo. Contact me for details.”

Needless to say, God was all over it. He tweeted back to me, “Sounds compelling. Meet for coffee to discuss?” My heart started racing. Coffee with the Creator.

Even though God is probably good with math, I presented the details of Life OS on a spreadsheet. The pro forma would show how much capital we’d need up front to launch: New website, maybe a new office chair for me, new iPhones (of course!)

I arrived early at the coffee shop, but God was nowhere to be found. Fifteen minutes went by. Still no God.

I checked my Twitter account. There was a tweet from God. “@gregmischio liked the LifeOS idea, but checked trademark on it. Turns out we’re too late.”

Brow scrunched, I skedaddled over to the trademark website, and sure enough, the LifeOS system had already been patented. And by guess who?

That’s right. Next year’s iPhone 7.0 now comes complete with LifeOS. You can download your brain right into the phone and live every second right on line until the end of time. Of course, immortality comes at a price: Apple will charge $6.95 per month!

Wow. You know you’re good when you beat God to the punch.


  1. I think you made a pronoun error up there in one of the early graphs where you referred to God as He.

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