Introducing the Fetus Phone

Introducing the baby iNvitro phone

Why are older generations so distraught over the younger generation’s fixation with smart phones? I say let’s take it to the next level, which is why I’ve subcontracted with Apple to roll out my latest epiphany: the Fetus Phone. (Another guest illustration from Monica Lalanda!)

I encourage more smart phone usage in the hopes my kids won’t follow in my footsteps. When I was young, I lived in a rural farm town. There was nothing to do but rob convenience stores and pay conjugal visits to the local livestock.

Kids today have so many more opportunities. With Wikipedia, endless amounts of knowledge are at their fingertips. With Twitter and Facebook, they can connect with people all over the world. With Angry Birds, they can play Angry Birds.

To me, this is a solid alternative to robbery and beastality. It’s why I conjured up an electrifying epiphany: the Fetus Phone.

I called the folks at Apple and pitched the idea: Create a little iPhone for the developing fetus. Yonder young ‘uns could start taking advantage of all the cool apps and maybe even text mom and dad and tell us how it’s going.

Within a week, the engineers had devised the tiny new Fetus Phone. It had an amniotic-fluid resistant case and special touch screen for still-developing fingers. We just needed someone to give it a try.

I turned to the woman who has supported me through endless epiphanies, my wife. “Dearest,” I said, brandishing a bouquet of roses. “Howza bout you pop one more out?”



Initially she was resistant, what with her age and risk of death and all that stuff. She came around when I showed her the potential bump in our Apple stock, as well as the merits of “taking one for the team.”

One amorous night later, the project was underway. When the zygote was, uh, older than a zygote, we did a little surgical maneuver and delivered the Fetus Phone to junior. The boy heeded the Call of the Wireless, and he was downloading Angry Birds in no time.

We texted him on and off during the pregnancy. My wife seemed to confuse the fetus with our teenage kids. She was constantly asking him where he was and if there was a parent there for supervision. “I’m in here,” he texted her with almost-audible irritation.

Eventually, it was time for Junior to emerge, and what a triumphant birth it was. The OB Gyn had sent the boy links to how-to videos on ice climbing for his exit. The doc just texted, “Climb out,” and had a seat on the couch.

The boy did emerge, unaided, as the rest of us filmed with our respective iPhones. The first thing out was his hand, holding the Fetus Phone, followed by his head.

Still half inside my wife, the baby held up his phone, and smiled. Instead of taking his first breath, he took his first selfie. Apple stock skyrocketed the next day.

One small step for fetus, one giant leap for fetuskind.

Special thanks to Mónica Lalanda for the guest illustration.  Click here to learn more about Mónica!


  1. Totally hilarious…if it weren’t for the fact that if it was technically feasible, peolpe would do it!

    “Take on for the team”…laughed hard at that one.

  2. Carolyn Ferriano says

    Brilliant. You never told us we have a second grandson!! Can’t wait to text him, but don’t have his email address. This is hilarious.

  3. Now that I’ve finished shaking my head and laughing, I can’t help but wonder how your mind works to come up with these epiphanies! I thought my sense of humour was warped but I’m not even remotely in your league (something to aspire too – lol).

  4. Gregory John:
    You are off the wall. Your mother and I are seriously concerned about the direction your imagination has gone. What ever happened to simple action hero comic books ?
    Or the entries in creative writing contests. Next thing we shall read is how to make an unusable trash can into garbage. How did you get your pregnant wife to pose for that provocative photo?
    Repent, my son. Try poetry!!
    Your shocked parents
    PS I am shocked that your sainted mother-in-law is buying into this technology bit.Shame , Grandma Caroline. Try talking to the little infant . The baby need human contact and verbal assurance. This whole family is going Bananas ! Where is Fielding Melish , when we need him.

  5. Im cool with the idea, however I would like to track the emails, websites, youtube, snapchat, and facebook views/posts.. Also I shouldn’t have to pay for extra verizon cell service.. I think a moblie hub should be included…

  6. Greg we want to follow you on G+

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