Make Mother Nature an Enemy of the State

Mother_NatureWhy does everyone kowtow to Mother Nature?  Personally, I’m sick of that lady kicking our backsides. My latest epiphany involves uniting the nations of the world to join forces and kick that old bat right in the teeth.

You may sense an undercurrent of hostility in the previous paragraph, and you would be right. Considering I’m in the midst of my forty-third straight month of winter weather here in Wisconsin, I am most definitely PO’d.

But this is not just about me. For far too long, nations of this planet have taken a beating from Mother Nature, and not doing a danged thing to retaliate. Why? Because we fear the old lady.

Think back to the cavepeople. They lived in perpetual fear of thunderbooms in the sky, or freezing to death (especially the poor schmucks living in Wisconsin.) Instead of standing and fighting, their tucked their monkey-tails between their legs and scurried south.

Today, we continue to bow down in the face of bad weather. We run away from hurricanes, hole-up in the cellar because of tornadoes, and even turn on windshield wipers when it rains.

Enough already. Instead of sitting back and letting Mother Nature have her way with us, I think it’s time to show that b—- who wears the pants on this planet.

Yo Mamma is Not My Mamma

Let’s make one thing clear: Mother Nature is not your mother. Your mother is your mother. And she wouldn’t flood your basement, or rip the roof off your trailer home. What kind of parent does that?

Since she’s not our mom, then we have to stop enabling her behavior by trying to be nice to her. I’m talking specifically about the environmentalists, who act like we’re the people to blame for flooding New York City or landsliding Colorado. You tree-huggers have got to quit enabling this psycho.

What we really need is a plan to kick the old lady’s butt. And who better to do that than our fine fighting forces? Our impressive military can blow up entire countries. Maybe it’s time to show Mother Nature that we can blow her ass up too.

Nuking the entire planet may be a bit rash (especially if we’re still on it,) so I also have a few non-violent solutions. Check ‘em out:

  • Program drones to blow her up. We found Osama, right? Surely our intelligence can also figure out where Mother Nature is holed up. She has to come out to do grocery shopping from time to time. When she does, we fry her.
  • Use wave machine technology to fight tsunamis with tsunamis. We know how to create waves, so let’s do a little reverse engineering and retaliate. She sends one at us, we send two back.
  • Employ nation-size rain-gear to ward off torrential rains. There may be occasion when we need to go on the defensive, such as in the face of a torrential rain. I’m sure somewhere in one of their warehouses, REI has an extra-large pancho that you could fit over an entire country. The next time a massive storm hits, pony up the cash and put one on.
  • Sue her. Let’s join forces in the mother-of-all class action suits. Together, we can bankrupt that bee-yotch.

This all may seem a bit harsh too, but I’m tired of turning the other cheek. It just winds up getting sunburned or hailed on. Time to show Mother Nature who’s her daddy!

Photo: Mother Nature by Cornelia Kopp


  1. Sign me up for the law suit and I would like compensation for previous hurricane expenses as well as the small fortune I have paid out to insure my home against her whims and fury.

  2. I would definitely get in on that lawsuit! I am sick of sleet and snow

  3. Right on, son!! Sock it to her! Dick Cheney would be proud of you.DOD

  4. John de Gruyther says

    Brilliant post, laughed a lot, especially the bit about enabling psychos. Inspired, and brightened up another day ruined by… You guessed it Mother Nature, I’m calling my lawyer right now..

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