Move the Coffee Table Into The Bathroom


Many of my epiphanies have reshaped countries, generated vast fortunes, and brought grown men to their knees.  Others, like my brilliant idea to move the coffee table into the bathroom, simply make going potty a much more pleasant experience.

I was sitting on the only seat in our downstairs bathroom, perusing the only reading material at hand: My smartphone.  It occurred to me that infinite embarrassment would ensue if I were to somehow drop my device into yonder terlit water.

If a similar fate befell my wife and kids, all packing iPhones, the replacement expenditure would trigger a household recession. Preventative action was required.

I concocted an elaborate harnessing structure for the phone, involving a myriad of straps, belts, and bungee cords.  Securing the phone in the harness took so long that I’d actually soiled my britches, having pushed beyond the breaking point.  I abandoned the idea.

The Luddites out there might suggest I leave the phone outside the bathroom.  Are you mad?  A visit to the john can range from 1 to 5 minutes.  Smart phone separation of that duration could be cataclysmic.

Stymied, I reconsidered the issue:  It wasn’t the phone that was the problem.  It was what was on the phone — the reading material.  I needed a supplement.

Coffee Table in the Can

Coffee tables tends to serve as a makeshift library.  Ours was no different.   It was stuffed to the gills with old New Yorkers, dance magazines, Better Homes and Gardens, Guiness Books of World Records, Guiness cans, travel brochures from roadside attractions, maps, family albums, and I believe, behind some old board games, you’ll even find the shroud of Turin.

The coffee table, and its books, was layered with dust, undoubtedly because it sits in front of a 96” mega-screen TV.  Who in their right mind wants to read a book when you can watch life-size Dance Moms in high def?  So if the coffee table and its reservoir of knowledge wasn’t being used in the living room, why not put it in the bathroom?

Our wiener dog was standing nearby, naively wagging his tail.  In a scene straight out of the Grinch, I strapped the book-bulging table to his meager little frame, and instructed him to heave-ho.   It took him four days to drag it to the bathroom, but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

I was so excited that I would no longer need my cell phone to read that I felt the urge to use the facilities.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get to the toilet because the wide-ass coffee table took up the entire bathroom.

I was forced to stand it on end, and when I did, all the books and magazine fell to the ground, blocking the door.  I was wedged in too tight, the table was positioned in such a way that I couldn’t move it.  I was trapped.

Hours passed, and I experienced a surprising serenity.  My cell phone was in the other room.  I couldn’t go anywhere, and I was trapped with nothing but reading material.

An epiphany that had gone completely wrong had, in fact, turned out right.  I took a seat and read the day away.  I suggest you do the same.  If you need help moving that coffee table, give me a call.  The wiener dog is standing by.

Photo by Apuch

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  1. Funny post – if I could even get a coffee table into the bathroom that would be a feat unto itself! LOL!

  2. This reminds me of the time we had an old Royal typewriter in the bathroom. How it migrated there is a mystery. But someone had the bright idea of beginning a story on it whilst doing their business in the can. Which prompted everyone else in the household to add to the story when nature called. This group effort was never published, sadly. It could have been a bestseller!

  3. I think I will send my husband to his workshop. He needs to build me a wall mounted Can table.

    • Greg Mischio says:

      I assume you’re referring to the typewriter comment. Now we’ve got a coffee table and a workstation. What next?

  4. You are too funny!!!! For real!!! My hubby takes the laptop in the ‘library’ and it pisses me off as it is ALWAYS when I want to use it!!! What I should construct is like an RV table on the wall next to the ‘throne’ so he can raise it up over his lap and when done swing it back over against the wall until the next time!!

  5. A great laugh, as usual 🙂

    However, the epiphany goes even further..because you just solved a potentially critical situation: what happens when you run out of … erm….”supplies”? How would a phone solve that? Now a 1993 New Yorker….

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