Open-Back Sweater Thing Provides Relief for Male Baldness


Bald men aren’t fond of being bald.  They’ll go to great lengths to restore or replace any hair loss. But instead of mourning the areas where hair ain’t, I propose celebrating the areas where hair is: Introducing my Open-Back Sweater Thing for Men.

I am a fortunate man-person.  Besides the standard lineup of apes and neanderthals in my lineage, the Mischios also feature a long-line of hairy Italians. Hair growth has never been a problem for my kin.  Or so I thought.

During the last few years, I have noticed a personal change on my personal person.  Some sort of gravitational pull seems to be at work, as my hair has migrated south.  Where once I had a bushy head of hair, now my ears, my eyebrows, and (sorry to ruin your day with this imagery) my back have grown wooly and wild.

I’m not alone.  On a recent outing, a gaggle of equally aged-males and females had gathered at a local swimming hole.  And as is the custom when swimming, men doffed shirts.

Lo and behold, beyond the swollen midriffs and sagging pectorals, I noted many of the shirtless lads also sported back-hair in abundance.

This gave me pause, as well as an upset stomach.  Reflecting and retching on the moment, I asked myself, why does it matter where the hair lies?  Why must it be on the head?  Why can we not embrace – figuratively and literally – hair wherever it may sprout?

An epiphany suddenly blazed forth, like the high noon sun on that soon-to-be historic summer day: Back-hair must become stylish.

That night, with knitting needles in hand, I stitched together the hooded solution.  It’s name was as succinct as the style was revolutionary. I called it “the Open-Back Sweater Thing.”

Open-Back Sweater Thing Sparks an Industry

From the front, the garment resembled a typical sweater.  But from the back and side, the Open-Back Sweater Thing revealed an ingenious new look.

First, there was a little hoodie to cover up the offending area of baldness.  Traveling south, the sweater featured an open back, the ideal showcase for back-hair that’s run amuck.

I modeled the bold new sweater for my wife. She took one look and upchucked, crying out between dry heaves, “Why would you do that to me?”

“I’m sorry. I-I thought, you know, because women’s backs are beautiful…”

“That’s because women’s backs aren’t covered in hair, you imbecile.”

Her reaction should not have surprised me.  It was the byproduct of a culture obsessed with hairless flesh.  For my new invention to really take hold and kick butt, I would have to undo a mindset 400 years in the making.  Fortunately, I knew just where to turn.

I visited my local hair salon, adorned in my Open-Back Sweater Thing.  After upchucks all around from stylists, I offered up epiphany version 2.0.  “For this bad boy to sell, we need to make back hair beautiful.  So go to it!”

Twenty minutes later, I left the salon, my back hair featuring a stylish side part and a little pompadour.  I walked down the street, and two bald guys nearly tackled me.

“Where do I get a sweater like that, back-hair boy?” they asked.  Just as I’d thought:  Stylish back-hair is a surefire way to boost sales of Open-Back Sweater Things.

Two months later, my stylish innovation was selling big time.  Besides the best-selling garment, I plan on opening a chain of back-hair salons nationwide. Where other epiphanies have gone bad for me, it looks like I’ve finally hit it rich.

That’s really not surprising.  My great-grandpappy always said, when the good Lord gives you lemons, you make lemonade.  Or, to paraphrase, when the good Lord gives you utterly repulsive back hair, you make a stylish Open-Back Sweater Thing.

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  1. That’s great for YOU but what about the men with no back hair??

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