Hollywood is always looking for the next blockbuster, and this quest for cash has sadly sapped Tinseltown of fresh new thinking. Remakes are the norm these days, but instead of bemoaning the trend, I’m proposing a bold new one with “Prehistoric Cave Art – The Remake.”
It’s hard to keep up with all the recycled ideas in Hollywood. Where are all the exciting new ideas? Where are the bold, breakthrough forays into originality? Why the need for revamping and rerunning?
Because repackaging yesterday’s hit into today’s blockbuster lines the pockets of Hollywood moguls. Now, in all fairness and despite my altruistic tendencies, I too enjoy making boatloads of cash. I just haven’t chosen to do so because I’ve been busy cleaning the garage.
The time has come, however, to put the garage on hold. I need cash. One of my children will soon be off to college, and the other heading to the mall (guess which will cost me more?). Thus, I roll out my latest epiphany: Prehistoric Cave Art – The Movie.
A Return to the Thrills of YesterEons
Let’s recall the origin of prehistoric cave art.
First there was the cosmos. Then there was a large explosion. Then a ball of rocks, air and high fructose corn syrup formed. Soon little fish evolved into bigger fish, which then ate the little fish and nearly screwed the evolutionary process.
But then one of the fish walked out of the muck and mire in search of a Frappucino. He was followed by other little fish, who also loved Frappucinos and were sick of being eaten by those big freakin’ fish.
Soon all these fish ditched their gills, bought some cool animal wraps at the Gap, and became cave people.
Because the fish-people could no longer swim around, they drew on the cave walls for entertainment. Their drawings portrayed fascinating stories of fish in quest of Frappucinos.
Other cave people witnessed the drawings and heard the fascinating stories. They loved them, and humankind’s first blockbuster was born.
I reviewed this fascinating history when I pitched my new movie to the Hollywood moguls: Prehistoric Cave Drawings – the Movie. I reminded them that caves were generally standing room only at these shows, and Neanderthal scalpers tended to make a killing (except for the unfortunate ones eaten by the passing saber tooth tiger.)
My cave drawing movie included only one scene – the cave wall. On the wall, a bunch of etchings told the story of a fish seeking a Frappucino. Brad Pitt narrated, but since he was playing the part of a caveman, all he did was grunt and audibly scratch himself.
The picture came in just a little over budget at $20 billion dollars, but it proved to be a tremendous success. Deep in our DNA, we seemed to have pleasant memories of prehistoric cave art. People loved the heartwarming tale, and Brad Pitt won the Oscar for his portrayal of the evolving fish with a hankerin’ for dark roast coffee.
I’ll never downplay the benefits of rehashing the old. Which is why, as soon as I’m done writing here, I’m going to look in my archives at previous epiphanies. Time for an Alter the Course rerun, wouldn’t you say?