Schools whine about a lack of funding. At the same time, war continues to ravage the world. I think we can literally kill two birds with one stone with the ultimate fundraiser: Let school children sell weapons of mass (and minor) destruction.
Behold: Two brilliant realizations have converged and yielded a galaxy-altering epiphany.
The first is that war, death and destruction will never go out of style. Throughout history, maiming and mayhem has been humankind’s most practiced past-time. We like to blow stuff up. We like to blow people up. It’s just too much fun to stop.
The second is that the US will always be struggling to fund its schools. There just never seems to be enough cash. Granted, most of those expenses are totally over the top – like heating for buildings, and roofs over the kiddos heads – but whatever.
So we have wars that we need to fight. And we schools that someone else needs to pay for.
My epiphany: Why not let our kids reap some profit from all the death and destruction? Instead of those annoying door-to-door fundraisers where kids sell candies and other non-perishables, why not let them sell weapon systems to warring countries?
I made a few calls to a local defense contractor, and pitched my plan. I asked him to replace his current sales team with a few local fourth graders. Instead of paying exorbitant sales commissions, they could instead redirect funds to struggling schools.
Those big bottom-line savings got their mouths all a-water. They printed out a little sales sheet for the kids to use, filled with surface-to-air missile systems, neat automatic weapons, and bombs that could blow up cities the size of Cleveland.
Let me tell you, the students and the parents were stoked. The kids, especially the boys, love to blow up cities (Cleveland or elsewhere.) The parents were happy that they wouldn’t have to pay that cursed $12 fee for gym shorts and locker rental. Now it was time to get to work.
Loading Junior Up with a Weapons System
We sent the parents and the kids set out to warring nations, armed with the sales sheet armature. It really made no difference to us, or the defense contractors, to whom the weaponry was sold. War begets more war, and that’s good for business.
After only two weeks and several overseas flights, the kids had sold tons of armaments. Guns, bombs, thermonuclear weapons. Everyone loved our offerings, and they loved the cute little kids.
With cash flowing in, we were able to pump new resources into our school. With less scrutiny of the bottom line, teachers were free to teach, and those standardized tests went by the wayside. Lo and behold, a love of learning was fostered, and our schools thrived.
As you guessed it, my epiphany soon ran afoul. This formula for funding schools soon spread to other countries, even the warring ones.
This resulted in better schools, more education. Soon a generation was fostered that said, “Hm, it might be more fun to get smart, build a business, make money, and not blow people up. I’ll do that!”
Wars soon waned, and nation’s GDP rose. This, naturally, pissed off the defense contractors.
They cancelled the fund-raising efforts, put their war mongers (er, sales people) back to work. Soon bombs were flying again, and the school began to re-suffer. Back to square one – or zero, as the case may be.
In the end, it looks like our kids won’t get any smarter, but they did learn one valuable lesson: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Especially if the old dog’s livelihood is based on the death and destruction of fellow human beings.