Set Up an Auto-Responder for Your Life


Users of Twitter employ a tool called Auto-DM, which automatically sends out a DM (direct message) to other people on the network.  I think this is fine thinking, but why stop there?  I expand on the Auto-DM concept with my latest epiphany: Setting up an Auto-Responder for Your Life.

I have to admit, my first encounter with the Auto-DM on Twitter was a bit unsettling.  As you may or may not know, in Twitter you post micro-messages 140 characters long.   That’s “micro” to me, but in today’s frenetic, soundbite world, that’s considered a novella.

When someone follows your message on Twitter, you set up the Auto-DM (direct message) with cute little sayings like, “Hi!  Thanks for following me!  I am fascinating and you will fall in love with me.”

Most people use Auto-DMs to re-route new followers to websites or Facebook pages that feature whatever they’re selling – but there are many variations.  Several examples of Auto-DMs that I have recently received include:

  • “Hi, thanks for following me. To buy all my books, records, and a whole life insurance policy, click here!”
  • “Hi, you can also follow me on Facebook, Google+, Instagram, Pentagram, Hologram, and GrandmaGram.”
  • “Thanks for following me.  I see you through your front window.  You look good.  Real good.”

You get the idea.  I became so enamored with automating communication, but I wanted to extend its reach.  I called my computer programmer friend, Billy, and asked, “Can you set up an Auto-DM for my life?”

“Be right over,” he replied.

The App that Yaps

Billy arrived a few minutes later and set to work on my request.  We thought the best tool for the Auto responder would be my iPhone, as it is not only part of my daily life, it has become enmeshed with my very soul.

The App we developed was voice activated, so that when people asked questions, the iPhone would auto-respond the answers.  The responses were voice-activated, geared to the inquirer.  Here are a few examples:

My wife:  Does this dress make me look fat?
Auto-Life:  God no, my beloved.  Your figure is lithe and provocative, and if I wasn’t immersed in yet another article about the Packers training camp, I would have my way with you atop our dated kitchen countertop.

My son:  Can I have some money for gas?
Auto-Life:  Sure, no worries.  Please tap some more plasma from dad’s withered frame and head down to the plasma center for a resale.  Then fill up the tank with what you get.  For more details on how to take plasma from dad’s body, visit

My daughter:  Could we go to Walgreens for more hair products?
Auto-Life:  Please ask your mother’s Auto-Life.

These are just a few samples of the thousands of replies we were able to install with auto-reply.  Thanks to this wondrous gadget, I’m now able to carry on full conversations not only with my immediate family, but also my accountant, friends and neighbors.

I even have auto-replies, for my dog, including, “Good boy!”  “Go get it!” “Aww!” and “Pee one more time on the carpet, and I will pee on thee!”

Soon I plan to mass market Auto-Life app via Twitter, of course.  To learn more, subscribe to this blog, where you’ll receive auto-updates!  Don’t worry – you won’t have to even read them.  My Auto-Reader app is coming out soon!

Photo by Steve Dean


  1. Terry Tyler says

    This is absolutely hilarious, Greg! The next time I get an auto DM suggesting I follow someone on Facebook, read their blog and pop round for tea on Saturday, I shall just reply “How about you just f**k off?”. I like too 🙂

    • Greg Mischio says

      Yes, you can set Auto-Life to tell people to f— themselves. But that’s only if you buy the Pro plan.

  2. raynehallauthor says

    Thanks for the chuckles. 🙂

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