The Stuff You Don’t Need Store

What began as an innocent little exercise in cleaning out the closets escalated into an epiphany destined to change life as we know it. Discover my Stuff You Don’t Need Store, and remember it as you begin your Christmas shopping.

Recently, while cleaning out a closet, I discovered the following:

    • 231 Christmas candles (shoved way in the back)

    • 97 unmatched mittens

    • Our third child, now fifteen years of age, that we had misplaced when he was two

I was appalled.  How much more crap was there throughout the house?  Once I’d fed and clothed the fifteen-year old, I launched a sweeping inventory, and then assessed its cumulative value using Kelley’s Blue Book of Crap.

According to Kelley, my surplus stuff was worth $3.5 million dollars.  $3.5 million!  I wept and wailed, my cries those of man mortally-wounded in the bank account.

I am not a man who weeps and wails for long. I called a family meeting, and opened it with a resounding, “This house is full of crap!” For added emphasis, I smacked a surplus spatula (we have 5) onto a kitchen counter-top.

My son watched me blankly, his Dr. Dres thumping on his ears.  My daughter plugged away at her smart phone.  My wife scrolled on her iPad, in hot pursuit of more crap.

At this point, the solution became quite clear.  If you can’t beat ‘em, profit from them.  I decided to launch the Stuff You Don’t Need Store.

Half-Price Crap

Look, people buy crap.  It’s inevitable.  It happens to everyone.  You can’t escape it.  But at my new Stuff You Don’t Need Store, I would sell stuff you don’t need at half price.

That’s right. Why pay top dollar on stuff that’s going to sit in the back of your closet?  Instead, come to my store, buy it for half-price up-front, and then go home and throw it in the back of the closet.  Instant savings!

Wasting no time, I rented out a department store the size of a small Wisconsin town.  Simply by emptying out the contents of my family’s closets, I was able to stock 7.3 acres of the beast.  I then opened for business.

It took shoppers a little while to wrap their heads around my ingenious concept.  But soon people realized the tremendous savings, and they eagerly loaded up their shopping carts with stuff they didn’t need.

My store kicked serious tail, and the cash registers went cha-ching.  Within months, I became a multi-millionaire.  Having made my contribution to bettering the world, I decided to retire and do nothing for the rest of my days but bitch about the government.

At my retirement party, I was showered with – you guessed it – stuff. Penzey’s gift spice sets, Christmas candles, and Sham-wows. When the dust settled, I had more stuff than ever before.  So what do you think I did?

I took the gifts straight to the store, and re-stocked the shelves.  I don’t need that stuff, but you sure as heck do.

Photo by spablab


  1. Pam Zirbel says

    you ABSOLUTELY kill me!!! I have to remember that when reading your posts, to not drink anything until I am done reading!!! Well I went thru the same thing this weekend with the hubby. Huuuugely motivated in the ‘oh dont get rid of that as I might need it some century and I can save $ by not buying another ‘whatever’ when I need it’ HOARDER!!! So, never think of selling my stuff on ebay and if I dont want it…what makes me believe someone ELSE would want it?!! I dont want to look like an idiot havin it on line and never selling!! Ugh…you are wayyy too funny and I really enjoy reading your posts!!!!

  2. You are as spot-on as you are hilarious. Which is to say very.

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