Why NASCAR Drivers Should Text During Races

Haven’t we learned about the dangers of texting while driving?  Considering how many dolts I see weaving all over the road, the answer is no.  It’s why I thought the best way to demonstrate the peril is to encourage NASCAR drivers to start texting at 200 mph.

This brilliant lil’ epiphany would kill (perhaps literally) two birds with one stone.

First, having a NASCAR driver crash his car because he was texting would be an anti-texting message with some teeth.  Forget those :30 second public service announcements.  Real death in real time is the only way to reach the hardcore texters.

Second, it’s no secret that NASCAR crashes boost ratings.  As of late, the sport has waned in popularity, probably because the drivers are more skilled and the calamitous crashes less frequent.  A texting driver would increase the risk factor, and a ratings spike would be sure to follow.

I called Matt Kenseth, the Cambridge, WI native, which is just a stone’s throw from my home.  “Matt, why not allow your fans to text you during the race, and then text them back?” I asked.

Kenseth not only called me a fool, but he had some guys in a pick-up truck stop by my house and beat me silly with a tire-iron (kinda cool – I think it was the tire iron used by his pit crew!)

Undaunted, I moved my bruised and battered body onto plan B.

Getting Apple On-Board

I knew that contacting other NASCAR drivers would result in more rejections and beatings, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I would drive the car.

Granted, I’m not all that skilled behind the wheel, but I have been known to get the minivan up to 83.  How much harder can it be to add an extra 100 mph?

I also needed a sponsor, so I called Apple.  We brainstormed and came up with a brilliant solution.  They decided to create an iCar, which would basically be a huge iPhone, but one with wheels, capable of doing 200 mph.

As an added bonus, my text messages to my fans would show on the hood of the car, so people could read my responses as I drove around corners.

To stave off certain death, the Apple engineers built me a really resilient iCar case, capable of withstanding a major crash.  I thought that was a sweet gesture on their part.

Alas, it all went for naught.  The day of the big race, a limo was sent to take me from my hotel to the racetrack.  We were late, and so the driver was speeding like a madman.  He lost control of the car and we crashed.  Moments before the accident, I noticed he was texting.

I wrote this epiphany on my cell phone, pinned under the wreckage, my brilliant NASCAR epiphany literally up in flames.  But I still want people to learn about the dangers of texting while driving, so please, Matt Kenseth, text out this link.  Kk? Thx!

Photo by Roger Blake


  1. Good story.

  2. I want to let you know that I have nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award.


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